Nillionaire
“I’m officially a Multi Nillionaire.”— every holder, on day one
- someone with no money.
- a person whose portfolio has never once been down. “he has been a nillionaire since birth and has never known a red candle.”
- the final form of a trader. “after three years of research, she achieved nillionaire status in a single afternoon.”
Origin
nil (nothing) + -ionaire (a great many of it). First attested the moment somebody checked their balance.
Related forms
multi-nillionaire n. — nothing, several times over.
nillionairess n. — same, dressed better.
ultra-high-nil-worth adj. — the top tier. Everyone qualifies.
Antonym
None recorded. Nothing is the opposite of nothing.
Your position, audited
Every Nillionaire account is reconciled to the cent, continuously, forever. It has never once required a correction.
| Cash & equivalents | 0.00 |
| Public equities | 0.00 |
| Fixed income | 0.00 |
| Real estate | 0.00 |
| Private holdings | 0.00 |
| Digital assets | 0.00 |
| Fine art & collectibles | 0.00 |
| Offshore structures | 0.00 |
| Loose change in sofa | 0.00 |
| Total assets | $0.00 |
This statement is accurate as of every moment that has ever occurred, and will remain accurate. No action is required on your part. No action has ever been available.
You cannot lose money you do not have. This is not a strategy. It is a law of arithmetic, and it has been working in your favour your entire life.
The Nillionaire holds the only position in the world with complete downside protection. He is the man in the picture. He is smiling.
Through every crash on record, the Nillionaire line did not move. Not once. It has the steadiest hands in finance, because there is nothing in them.
Are you already one of us?
Submit your holdings for valuation. Our analysts will mark them to market and return a certified figure. It takes four seconds and you will like the answer.
Your certificate will be issued here the moment your holdings have been valued.
Awaiting Form NIL-1having submitted a full declaration of holdings, and having been assessed by our analysts and found to possess nothing whatsoever, is hereby admitted for life to the rank of
Four tiers. One balance.
Choose the card that reflects how you would like to be declined.
Annual fee $0.00 · Concierge: none · Lounge access: the bus stop · Accepted at: nowhere · *not platinum
The Nillionaire 400
The world’s least wealthy people, ranked. There is a thirteen-way tie for first place, and then a further three hundred and eighty-seven-way tie for first place.
| Rank | Name | Source of wealth | Net worth |
|---|
Nothing has ever been stolen from a Nillionaire
Our security model is the oldest and most effective in the world. There is nothing inside. There has never been anything inside. Go ahead and open it.